For five months now at 8 Groeneveld Road, we have had an unwelcome squatter on our premises. Nope, it's not a bergie, a mooching fellow college student, or Leslie Reynolds. It is a small, black, androgynous feline. At first he-she (gender remains ambiguous) was cute. He-She was loving and cuddly and--unlike 99% of the species--seemed to want love more than food. So, we (I) took pity on the little guy and gave he-she milk, attention, and a bit of leftover chicken. Big. Mistake.
It soon became clear that Cat had an unnaturally acute awareness of when we were home and specifically, when we were on the porch. Anytime we were studying or skyping outside we would undoubtedly hear the pat, pat, pat-swish of Cat trotting over the neighbor's roof and leaping into our bushes. Before we knew it, he-she would be in our laps, oblivious to the collegiate productivity that was previously taking place. At first it was cute, but after 3 wine glasses and a coffee cup shattered upon the concrete due to the shoving of a tail and after several instances of "hjhsdkjgsjfkjdk" being added into essays by ignorant paws, boundaries had to be drawn.
So, we--the residents of 8 Groeneveld--tried the "ignoring" method--meeting hopeful "mews" with apathetic glances and bitter grunts. But the little sucker was persistent. Apparently, an acute awareness of social signals was not included among his-her other abilities. Next we tried the "okay we're getting stern, now" method, speaking in unfriendly voices and giving little pushes when Cat came to the table. Still, Cat kept coming back. Finally, I (to the scandalising of my female housemates) resorted to the "we really mean business, this isn't funny anymore" method of soaking the little fellow with water every time it dared to enter our property.
Surprise, surprise. Cat is still coming back. Sometimes, it leaves us presents--dear Cat, oops I forgot to thank you for that giant dead rat you left in our yard last week. it was lovely--and sometimes it just sits there sulking, hopeful, waiting for our love for it to be re-kindled. It's not going to happen, buddy.
Upon further thought, I think the mystery of Cat's gender is not so mysterious after all. Let her fate be a lesson for women everywhere.
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